1. "I know you can try harder."
Frustrated by a daughter who you know is capable of much more in school, sports, music, etc.? While you (hopefully!) aren’t saying such obviously hurtful things as “You are so lazy!”, any comment that makes it seem as though you’re not satisfied with her efforts can not only be discouraging to your child, it can also do the opposite of motivating her to try harder, says McCready. If your “try harder” has to do with tasks or chores, be clear about what you expect: “When you have your room cleaned up, then you can go out and play.” If you’re talking about academics, “take note of times she does go the extra mile,” such as: “Wow! That extra time spent on your book report really shows!”
2. "Are you sure you need that second cupcake?"
You have good intentions—keeping your child fit and healthy—but you’re better off steering clear of any talk that might foster a negative body image, says McCready. If you’re worried about what your child eats at home, use actions, not words, such as stocking your kitchen with healthy foods rather than junk and emphasizing family physical activity like after-dinner walks. That way, if there are cupcakes at a party, your child’s fine to indulge. And walk the walk yourself; you mix your message if you tell your kid to keep his hands out of the cookie jar while you’re inhaling potato chips. Incidentally, the same goes for telling your child that he’s a “great” eater; try to avoid labels (he’s my picky child; she’s such an adventurous eater; this one needs to stay away from treats) because “you never want to turn food into a power issue,” says McCready. As best you can, keep food-related comments specific and positive: “Wow, I see you tried the squash soup!”
3. "You always…" or "You never…"
Undeniably, it’s tempting—almost a reflex at times—to spit out an always (“You always forget to put your socks in the hamper!”) or a never (“You never remember to call me when you’re running late!”). But be careful because those two words are a minefield, says Jenn Berman, PhD, a psychotherapist and author of The A to Z Guide to Raising Happy, Confident Kids. “At the heart of ‘You always’ and ‘You never’ statements are labels that can stick for life.” Kids become what we tell them they are, so telling your child that he “always” forgets to call makes him more likely to be the kid who, you guessed it, never calls. Instead, ask your child how you can help him or her change: “I notice you seem to have trouble remembering to bring home your textbooks. What can we do to try to help you remember?” suggests Dr. Berman.
4. "Why can’t you be more like your sister/brother?"
Siblings and rivalry go hand in hand—and anything you say that sets up comparisons only fuels that natural flame, says McCready. If you’re saying, for example, “Your brother is practicing piano and he sounds great—why can’t you do that?” you’re essentially telling your child that piano is his brother’s thing, and he’s not measuring up. “Comparisons slot siblings into categories—the smart one, the athlete—and discourage kids from trying the thing their sibling is ‘good’ at.” Try instead to encourage each child in whatever pursuits are “his” or “hers,” while avoiding comparisons.
5. "I told you waiting until the last minute was a mistake!"
You repeatedly informed your middle-schooler that if he played video games all afternoon, he’d have less time to study for the math test. And guess what? He stayed up too late, went to school sleepy and unprepared, and didn’t do as well as he could have on the exam. But any time you say “I told you so” to your child, you’re in effect telling him you’re always right, and by contrast he's often wrong or a screw-up, says McCready. When he comes home with the poor grade, resist the “I told you so” urge and instead ask him if the two of you could brainstorm some smarter ways to study the next time. Also, “point out the positives that occur when he does follow through,” says McCready. For example, if he cleans up his room when asked, saying “Isn’t it easier to find all your stuff when your room’s tidy?” puts the control and the credit with him—not you.
Frustrated by a daughter who you know is capable of much more in school, sports, music, etc.? While you (hopefully!) aren’t saying such obviously hurtful things as “You are so lazy!”, any comment that makes it seem as though you’re not satisfied with her efforts can not only be discouraging to your child, it can also do the opposite of motivating her to try harder, says McCready. If your “try harder” has to do with tasks or chores, be clear about what you expect: “When you have your room cleaned up, then you can go out and play.” If you’re talking about academics, “take note of times she does go the extra mile,” such as: “Wow! That extra time spent on your book report really shows!”
2. "Are you sure you need that second cupcake?"
You have good intentions—keeping your child fit and healthy—but you’re better off steering clear of any talk that might foster a negative body image, says McCready. If you’re worried about what your child eats at home, use actions, not words, such as stocking your kitchen with healthy foods rather than junk and emphasizing family physical activity like after-dinner walks. That way, if there are cupcakes at a party, your child’s fine to indulge. And walk the walk yourself; you mix your message if you tell your kid to keep his hands out of the cookie jar while you’re inhaling potato chips. Incidentally, the same goes for telling your child that he’s a “great” eater; try to avoid labels (he’s my picky child; she’s such an adventurous eater; this one needs to stay away from treats) because “you never want to turn food into a power issue,” says McCready. As best you can, keep food-related comments specific and positive: “Wow, I see you tried the squash soup!”
3. "You always…" or "You never…"
Undeniably, it’s tempting—almost a reflex at times—to spit out an always (“You always forget to put your socks in the hamper!”) or a never (“You never remember to call me when you’re running late!”). But be careful because those two words are a minefield, says Jenn Berman, PhD, a psychotherapist and author of The A to Z Guide to Raising Happy, Confident Kids. “At the heart of ‘You always’ and ‘You never’ statements are labels that can stick for life.” Kids become what we tell them they are, so telling your child that he “always” forgets to call makes him more likely to be the kid who, you guessed it, never calls. Instead, ask your child how you can help him or her change: “I notice you seem to have trouble remembering to bring home your textbooks. What can we do to try to help you remember?” suggests Dr. Berman.
4. "Why can’t you be more like your sister/brother?"
Siblings and rivalry go hand in hand—and anything you say that sets up comparisons only fuels that natural flame, says McCready. If you’re saying, for example, “Your brother is practicing piano and he sounds great—why can’t you do that?” you’re essentially telling your child that piano is his brother’s thing, and he’s not measuring up. “Comparisons slot siblings into categories—the smart one, the athlete—and discourage kids from trying the thing their sibling is ‘good’ at.” Try instead to encourage each child in whatever pursuits are “his” or “hers,” while avoiding comparisons.
5. "I told you waiting until the last minute was a mistake!"
You repeatedly informed your middle-schooler that if he played video games all afternoon, he’d have less time to study for the math test. And guess what? He stayed up too late, went to school sleepy and unprepared, and didn’t do as well as he could have on the exam. But any time you say “I told you so” to your child, you’re in effect telling him you’re always right, and by contrast he's often wrong or a screw-up, says McCready. When he comes home with the poor grade, resist the “I told you so” urge and instead ask him if the two of you could brainstorm some smarter ways to study the next time. Also, “point out the positives that occur when he does follow through,” says McCready. For example, if he cleans up his room when asked, saying “Isn’t it easier to find all your stuff when your room’s tidy?” puts the control and the credit with him—not you.
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